Third Time to Carry: Know Less, Feel More.
Like many of us, I become a ChatGPT loyalist. I use it for simple questions. How long do unwashed eggs stay good on the countertop? I ask it to help me plan house projects. What seeds should I start for my garden in zone 10b? How should I lay them out in my box? Lately, I’ve been using it to assess pregnancy risks. Is there an association with having Covid and fetal growth?
We live in a time when we could know almost anything—and why wouldn’t we want to? We are animals who thrive when we feel safe. Often times feeling safe means knowing more.
Pregnancy and birth are arguably times when we should want to feel the safest and know the most. Our bodies are put to their absolute limits as we grow a human inside of our womb.
Blood volume increases by 40-50%. Internal organs get smushed in a game of Tetris to make room for a swelling uterus. Because of this, our breathing is compromised and our digestion is slowed. When it’s time to give birth, a baby emerges through pelvic bones. Amniotic fluid is squeezed out of the baby’s lungs as it’s skull shape shifts to fit trough an opening that grows from the size of a Cheerio (1cm) to a grapefruit (10cm).
Women were designed to birth, but with so many variables so much could go wrong…right? Wouldn’t we want to know as much as possible to prevent any sort of adverse outcome?
For the many tests and monitoring efforts that exist around pregnancy and birth, there is no absolute certainty. We give women a singular “due date” when babies are typically born anywhere from 37-42 weeks gestation. With a 15% margin of error, ultrasound weight predictions can be off by more than a pound in either direction. The 1 hour glucose test to scan for gestational diabetes has a 15-66% false positive rate. We test women for group B strep at 36-37 weeks gestation, but 60% of the babies who contract it at birth were born to mothers who tested negative. Continuous fetal monitoring may give peace of mind to parents and doctors, but shows no better outcomes for mother or baby in birth.
If tests, monitoring, and medical professionals can’t know anything for certain, then who/what can?
In Sexual Personae, author Camille Paglia speaks of a knowing outside of a ChatGPT prompt, ultrasound monitor, or blood test. She declares that women possess a an intuition in their womb, or “belly magic” as she so perfectly names it. This belly magic scares the powers that surround them (men) and is mysterious to anyone but the women themselves.
The act of questioning what I accept as a known or unknown has been a theme each of the three times I’ve carried pregnancies. This questioning has led to a calling to reconnect with my intuitive, womb magic time and time again.
At the beginning of my current pregnancy, one of my best friends asked if we’d find out the gender. I confirmed we were waiting until birth (we held off for my first as well). She responded with an excited, “I can’t believe we won’t know until November!”
“We won’t know, but I’ll know. You know?” I replied.
My First Pregnancy — Initiation to Intuition
It took us seven months to conceive. As each month passed with a negative, I grasped for what I could know in a situation where I lacked control. Ovulation tests, fertility diets, bloodwork, and ultrasounds to track my cycle.
The month I finally did get pregnant, my doctor had called me to tell me it would be impossible. My bloodwork and ultrasound tracking didn’t support successful implementation.
Isaiah and I went on an extended vacation in Greece for my best friends’ wedding. There was endless ouzo, anchovies, and Aegean dips. For the first time in a long time, I was not preoccupied with my fertility. We planned a Clomid cycle for a few months after we got back.
The day we returned I was two days late for my period. I took a test and it was positive. The impossible (according to my doctor) had happened.
My first pregnancy was a lesson. Building a family wasn’t a task to complete on a to-do list. I couldn’t simply decide to get pregnant, do all the right things, and be successful. It was a matter of God, good timing, and a little (womb) magic.
I took our conception story as a sign to embrace the unknown—I fired my doctor, hired Homebirth midwives, kept the gender a surprise, and only got one ultrasound. I asked my baby who they were. Then I felt it.
I told the midwives I thought the baby would come early. “They’re excited to be here.” I stated confidently. They nodded with hesitation as a first time mom declared she wouldn’t go past her due date (rare).
Sure enough, I went into labor at 36+6. He was born at home at 37 weeks. No continuous fetal monitoring, unwarranted cervical checks, or IVs.
When we were trying to conceive alongside help from an OBGYN, I was looking for comfort in what I could know. When did I ovulate? Did I ovulate at all? Do my hormone levels support a healthy pregnancy?
By changing course in pregnancy and challenging myself to go inward, I found a knowing far greater than a test. I found my intuition.
My Second Pregnancy — Intuition Grows into Faith.
We weren’t trying. I was still breastfeeding our toddler. We’d left our stable 9-5 jobs to open a parking lot striping business in South Florida and it was off to a rocky start. I could barely grasp the science behind how we got pregnant—not to mention how we were going to handle it.
The pregnancy felt completely different to my first. Aggressive exhaustion, acne, and intense nausea. Everything was unfamiliar and out of my control. Often times I coped by trying to ignore my pregnancy all together.
Then, I had a missed miscarriage. Suddenly, I didn’t know how I could go on without the baby we hadn’t planned for. I waited for two months trying to get to know the baby I never would meet on earth. Then, I got a D&C.
Recovering from the D&C forced me to slow down for the first time in months. I finally had time for inquiry into my own life. I woke up every morning, stood barefoot in my backyard, and asked the sky above me “Why?”
Why would you give us this at a time when it was so hard? Why would you take it away just as we understood why it was such a blessing?
At first, I wasn’t sure who I was talking to. Over time, I realized it was god, ancestors, and a few angels. I listened to the Torah and started studying Kabbalah. I talked to a friend about soul contracts and Akashik records.
Instead of searching for the answers that are forever unknowable, I found genuine connection to spirituality for the first time in my life. This once tragedy not only reconnected me to my intuition (and belly magic), but also to a newfound faith.
My Third Pregnancy (Current) — Fearing Unknowns to Trusting Them
A few months after my D&C, I told my husband I could feel the presence of our next baby. After months of feeling disconnected to my intuition—my womb magic—it was back.
We conceived the first month of trying on a full, blood moon. I woke up in a dream state to a bright amber orb implanting in my womb. I second guessed my intuition for lunacy. Was this baby ready to be here or was I driving myself mad after losing a pregnancy?
Two weeks later I peed on a stick and saw two lines.
My first trimester was full of anxiety. The confidence I had in our baby’s conception seemingly disappeared immediately following my positive pregnancy test. A day with no symptoms made me question viability. Any dull ache or pain triggered a panic. Is my baby still alive? Am I losing this pregnancy too?
I decided I didn’t want to hear a heart beat until 15 weeks (a few weeks past the point of when we lost our previous pregnancy). When we finally did hear the quick-paced thump, it was beautiful.
Just a few days later I had some cramping and began to worry yet again. I had planted a flag in this milestone (hearing the heartbeat) hoping it would calm my fears about losing another baby, but here I was worrying again. I realized it would take more than a doppler, blood test, or reassuring midwife to feel like everything would be ok.
As the second trimester rolled around, I stopped using my morning prayer to ask for my baby to stay alive. There wasn’t a point in putting energy in fear. Fear would exist how much I knew or I didn’t. Instead, I asked for faith in my this baby and the unknown.
I’m now weeks away from giving birth with a sense of trust in this baby I could have only dreamed of in my first trimester.
Instead of ultrasounds, carrier screenings, and an at home Doppler, I’ve found peace in morning prayer, wishes made on full moons, Kabbalah mantras, and daily meditation.
A few weeks ago I had my mothers blessing— a sacred gathering to honor a woman before she becomes mother. My best friend, and doula brought me two items to place on my birth altar. Stained glass doves for protection from above and resin incased fish for protection from below. They sit on my birth altar accordingly—on the wall and the bottom shelf. I stand with my womb and all knowing belly magic in the middle feeling honored and excited to bring this next baby home.
